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Really bad business advice for appraisers
Appraisal humor is hard to find. One of my favorite joke
books is "The Appraisers Guide to Really Bad Business Advice - A collection of
irreverent - off the wall ideas for marketing your appraisal services, impressing clients,
and writing reports," by Bill Pittenger, a former director of corporate appraisal at
Barnett Bank, now an appraisal management consultant.
Here's some advice:
- Cartoon, 2 guys in front of an elevator: "What I really
want to do is move to Key West and become an artist. I can't do any of those things, but
since I'm an appraiser, I'll assume I quit my job, assume I sold my house, assume I can
paint, assume I moved to Key West and assume I became an artist."
- Put the statement, "Offices in London, Brisbane, and Hong
Kong" on your business cards and stationery. That way no one will know you work at
home off your kitchen table."
- Set aside a few minutes everyday to whine about low fees and
stupid client requests.
- Bill clients twice for the same work. Every now and then both
invoices will slip through.
- Always deliver your appraisals late. No one expects them on
time anyway.
- The principle of supply and demand is one of those silly
academic things that doesn't apply to appraisers. When business decreases, raise your
fees.
- Use astrology to forecast absorption.
- If your client doesn't agree with your conclusions, tell him
"That's the new paradigm."
- In your promotional literature, tell prospective clients you
specialize in residential, commercial, special purpose, multifamily...Be sure not to leave
any property type out."
- Sign your reports with a smiley face.
- Never give a client a straight answer. It gives ‘em the
creeps.
- Start the appraisal after the client's fourth phone call
asking if it's done yet.
- Promise everything. Deliver...whatever.
Pittenger's "serious" books on appraising
Pittenger publishes three books targeted at appraisal bank reviewers
and bank executives. However, the books are useful for fee appraisers as they show the
client side of the appraisal process. The books are well written and relatively short.
Go to www.valcoradvisory.com, email valcor@mediaone.com, or call 904-262-6877 (Florida)
for more information. His Web site has information on his books and seminars and some of
the articles he has written. A very well done Web site!
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