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An Appraiser's Computer Dictionary
- Alpha.
- Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting
user feedback.
- Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."
- Beta
- Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released.
- Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."
- Computer
- Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by
Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf
Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to
the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the
"Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended
soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.
- CPU - Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's
engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's
powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is an old machine, a ferret if it's
a Pentium and a ferret on speed if it's a Pentium II.
- Default Directory
- Black hole.
- Default directory is where all files that you need disappear
to.
- Error Message - Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to
place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.
- File - A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable
name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you
try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file
format is unknown.
- Hardware - Collective term for any computer-related object
that can be kicked or battered.
- Help - What we all need. Actually, it is the feature that
assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are
able to navigate through a series of Help screens and up where they started from without
learning anything.
- Input/Output - Information is input from the keyboard as
intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.
- Interim Release - A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.
- Memory - Of computer components, the most generous in terms of
variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.
- Printer - A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three
main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
- Programmers - Computer avengers. Once members of that group of
high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and
memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly"
software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.
- Reference Manual - Object that raises the monitor to eye
level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.
- Scheduled Release Date - A carefully calculated date
determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.
- User-Friendly - Of or pertaining to any feature, device or
concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.
- Users -
- Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor.
- Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and
expert.
- * Novice Users. - People who are afraid that simply pressing a
key might break their computer.
- Intermediate Users.- People who don't know how to fix their
computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
- Expert Users. People who break other people's computers
Many thanks to Jim Sanders for posting
this joke! Source: cyberspace.
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