To keep up on what is happening in appraisal businesses, mortgage lending, USPAP, etc. , Plus humor and strange homes, sign up for my FREE weekly appraisal email newsletter, sent since June 1994. Go to Home on the left side of the menu at the top of this page or go to
Sign up in the Big Yellow Boxes

I regularly write about hot topics in appraising and appraisal business management issues
in my paid Appraisal Today monthly newsletter.
$99 per year or (credit card only) $8.25 per month, $24.75 per quarter, or $89 per year.
For more info, go to

Appraisal humor is hard to find. One of my favorite joke books was “The Appraisers Guide to Really Bad Business Advice – A collection of irreverent – off the wall ideas for marketing your appraisal services, impressing clients, and writing reports,” by Bill Pittenger, a long time retired commercial appraiser. Unfortunately, it is out of print.

Here’s some advice:

  • Cartoon, 2 guys in front of an elevator: “What I really want to do is move to Key West and become an artist. I can’t do any of those things, but since I’m an appraiser, I’ll assume I quit my job, assume I sold my house, assume I can paint, assume I moved to Key West and assume I became an artist.”
  • Put the statement, “Offices in London, Brisbane, and Hong Kong” on your business cards and stationery. That way no one will know you work at home off your kitchen table.”
  • Set aside a few minutes every day to whine about low fees and stupid client requests.
  • Bill clients twice for the same work. Every now and then both invoices will slip through.
  • Always deliver your appraisals late. No one expects them on time anyway.
  • The principle of supply and demand is one of those silly academic things that doesn’t apply to appraisers. When business decreases, raise your fees.
  • Use astrology to forecast absorption.
  • If your client doesn’t agree with your conclusions, tell him “That’s the new paradigm.”
  • In your promotional literature, tell prospective clients you specialize in residential, commercial, special purpose, multifamily…Be sure not to leave any property type out.”
  • Sign your reports with a smiley face.
  • Never give a client a straight answer. It gives ‘em the creeps.
  • Start the appraisal after the client’s fourth phone call asking if it’s done yet.
  • Promise everything. Deliver…whatever.

More humor for appraisers

Appraisal business articles